attenborough cocoon to bugger drivers

London came to a standstill today as the broadcaster and naturalist Sir David Attenborough began the tentative construction of the cocoon that will house him for a period of twelve months while his body regenerates, The Dogshite can report.

Attenborough, 83, an integral face of the BBC since 1950, is working with scientists from University College London to prepare the chrysalis which he hopes will provide his body with the appropriately constructed nutrients for growth and differentiation.

“My life has been long and worthwhile,” explained Attenborough. “More so than some. The advance in technology has vastly accelerated our ability to interfere with life, in ways I find both shocking and wonderful. The construction of this chrysalis represents the zenith of our achievement in the field. It represents me.”

According to a UCL spokesperson, Attenborough – who famously ejaculated on screen during the “Blue Whale Incident” in his ‘Life of Mammals’ series – will be sealed within the chrysalis by the end of June, where his body’s mechanisms will all but shut down. It is predicted that he should then emerge a year later, having undergone a period of significant rejuvenation, feeling not only fitter but also younger in appearance.

Whilst the specific makeup of the cocoon’s protective shell is shrouded in secrecy, Professor Peter Forcible, who is fronting the project for the University of London, claims that the science is beyond reproach. “This is something my team has been exploring for many years. It is, if you like, the point to which all human sciences have led: the elixir of life, the mythical fountain of youth. For me, nothing matters but this, the things that I am doing.”

The cocoon is being suspended at a height of thirty feet above Gower Street, where Professor Forcible believes the conditions will be optimal for Attenborough’s metamorphosis. “Sir David is an incredible man and a British icon,” he smirked. “My hope is that this cocoon will provide his brittle ailing body with the sheer scale of merit his brain still so rightly deserves.”

A mostly pointless leak to this publication has stated that Attenborough will breathe through a series of genetically engineered oxygen holes, and that an unnamed protein will effectively catalyse the reconstruction of his leaf-dry flesh.

Attenborough is said to be preparing for the twelve month ordeal by eating huge quantities of bread, a task he is undertaking with his trademark stoicism. “Bread is, very much, bread,” he explained earlier today. He is currently negotiating a deal with the BBC’s Natural History Unit to film the process in uninterrupted, unedited, fully disclosed real time. A new channel is to be created for the non-stop broadcast, with extensive digital features.

Gordon Brown has acknowledged Attenborough’s work as vital to the unmentionable degree, grunted in incomprehensible Scottish aphorism before a baying House.