mayor idiocy is sleep fiasco

Britain’s 'biggest' mayor, Boris Johnson, has been asleep for at least five years, his closest confidante has revealed in stunning new reports.

It is claimed that Johnson, 44, the floppy haired ‘accidental racist’ who made his name as the reeling fool of television panel shows, fell into a stupid slumber sometime in 2002, and he has remained in said state of unbroken wakelessness ever since. While he is able to formulate sentences and engage in what appears to be conversation, the confidante – who has opted to remain anonymous due to cowardice – has assured the British public that these oddities are merely the result of anomalous motor functions occurring in the sleep.

Johnson, just minutes before he fell asleep in 2002.

“His speech patterns can really be considered as a sort of knee-jerk reaction,” explained Dr Daniel Quaint, a sleep expert at St Thomas’ Hospital. “They are happening entirely unconsciously, simple sleep babbling. He has no awareness of his speech and no real control over what he is saying. Which for me makes a lot of sense, having heard the man Johnson’s laughable attempts at eloquence.”

Tory invertebrate David Cameron, who selected Johnson as the Conservative’s mayoral candidate, is reported to have been fully aware of Johnson’s sleeping, despite his initial whimperings to the contrary. In his most recent press release, Cameron has tweaked his lies into affirming that he was aware of the issue but deemed it inappropriate to allow such a personal matter to interfere with Johnson’s campaigning. He assured reporters that he still considered him “the best candidate for the job”, adding as an aside that when awake he was “even worse”.

For many politicians the reports come as little surprise, with many Labour MPs claiming it to be the only explanation for Johnson’s consistent idiocy and his complete inability to grasp even the simplest concepts. Dr Quaint disagrees: “Although asleep, and despite lacking any reasonable faculty to veto what he says before he says it, the contents of Mr Johnson’s brain remain inherently unchanged. The sheer lack of intellect, decency or common sense remain unaffected. Unfortunately these traits are all very much a part of him, awake or asleep.”

The reports have met with public outrage. “This is further evidence of the state of this country,” said Derek Clumpen, a London bus driver from Stoke Newington. “How does a sleeping buffoon get elected to be Mayor of London? I feel lied to by the Tories – if I had known neither I or my family would ever have voted for the bastard. I idiot,” he said angrily.

Despite a series of loosely plotted tests, scientists remains baffled as to why Mr Johnson is asleep, and when he can be expected to wake up. Some predictions pencil in a 2015 estimate, but it is based only on imagination and a lack of real interest in the issue at hand.

“It changes very little of our day-to-day lives,” maintained Dr Quaint, “even here in London. Johnson has proved himself to be consistently stupid since he entered the public eye. The fact of his wakelessness has no bearing on his ability to act as mayor and, considering he has been asleep since well before his election to office, we can expect to see no change as a result of these public revelations. Now that’s democracy.”

Neither Mr Johnson or Mr Cameron were available for commen