missing boy found in man – police blame fat

Forgotten child Hercules Nothing has been discovered in the body of a fat man – SIX MONTHS after he was last seen in his home town of Scarborough.

Nothing, now 8, was out playing catch with himself when he disappeared in a recreation ground near his home. Last seen around the picnic area, Yorkshire police assumed abduction, but no leads or evidence saw the case forgotten amongst other crimes of medium importance.

“It is fair to say that we should expect the worst,” said Sergeant Overland, in a heartfelt interview given at the time. “The boy has been missing now for twenty-five days. His death is nearly certain. Either that or he has been abducted and has been pushed into a new life in Central America as a horse-ox, a fate so much worse than English death.” Overland retired moments later, and was found to be infertile as a result of the interview.

However yesterday morning obese man Arthur Lott, 34, visited his local A&E with what he described as “stomach ache”, and convinced that he could hear a child’s pleading voice slipping from his anus. A series of scans did indeed reveal the presence of a foreign object with the dimensions of a young boy within Mr Lott’s abdomen.


"Caution: contains human child."

Gasping doctors extracted the child under general anaesthetic, and were shocked to find him not only alive but extremely well nourished.

“It was really something,” said Doctor Graves. “It was like a birth, only hideous, this bile-smeared eight year old crying intensely as he was dragged from the lacerated gut of a fat fat shit. It was the stuff of nervous breakdowns.”

The boy is recovering from his trauma remarkably well in hospital. He said his main memory of the six month period was that it was “Dark. Smelly”, facts verified by medical professionals. He is thought to have survived on partly digested junk food.

A relieved Mrs Nothing thanked doctors for their efforts. “We had never given up hope of finding Hercules alive and we are over the moon at the outcome here today. We now just want to get on with our normal lives now that our boy no longer lives inside another man’s stomach.”

Mr Lott expressed embarrassment at the situation but was relieved to have resolved the issue. “I had been feeling full, regardless of how much I had eaten, and I knew that wasn’t like me. When I heard the voice from my anus I knew something was up. An accident had happened.”

When asked how he might have ingested the child Mr Lott laughed: “I must have mistaken him for food. Down the hatch!”

The Nothing’s tale will be serialised in two tabloid newspapers with the difficult words taken out.