Nielsen in pope revelation shocker

Shock continues to ring through the Catholic world after it was revealed by a Vatican caterer that Pope Benedict XVI is in fact actor Leslie Nielsen, star of Airplane! and the successful Naked Gun series.

Elected to papacy in 2005, Nielsen was mistakenly named as Pope after what the actor shrugged off as “a mix up”. The US actor claims to have been in Rome researching life as a cardinal bishop for a self-penned religious comedy when the mistake happened. He reported being collected by a car full of cardinals, who at a glance had taken him to be Joseph Alois Ratzinger. Despite Nielsen’s pleas in clear English delivered in a flurry of one-liners, he said that the grieving cardinals had simply thought he was joking.




Nielsen and Ratzinger: the same man

“After a week or so I got into the role quite comfortably,” explained an imprisoned Nielsen yesterday in a televised interview. “I knew a bit of Latin anyway, and ended up just kind of going along with it. It’s easier than you think, what with the advisers and spin doctors. I’ve played over 220 characters in my career,” he said, with tears in his eyes, “but this is the one that will make or break me. Pope. I think I played it well, despite my lack of religious training.”

The scandal has cast huge ecclesiastical doubt on the efficacy of the papal conclave.

“How could this have happened?” sobbed a half-smug Rowan Williams, Anglican. “The Pope is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic church, a vast and holy responsibility and undertaking, and yet somehow Leslie Nielsen has been in office unnoticed for nearly five years. It defies Christ’s hands.”

A team of cardinals has been trying to pacify the world’s Catholics for over 20 hours. “Unfortunately a mistake was made,” explained Cardinal Spaghetti to the baying masses, “and Mr Nielsen has been in place as pope since 2005. It was a genuine mistake, but one that we feel has not adversely affected the sincerity of the papal role. What more can I say? Stercus Accidet.”

While the real Joseph Alois Ratzinger was unavailable for comment it is believed that he will be rushed into office without pomp or ceremony.

Nielsen, however, has agreed to be crucified in St. Peter’s Square tomorrow as an example.

“It was really the safe sex thing they took offence with,” he explained. “You know, that scene from Gun with the full length rubbers. Might have known it’d bite me in the ass 22 years later.”

“Nielsen: The Crucixion” will be broadcast on ITV1 tomorrow, followed by a compilation show of Nielsen’s funniest moments presented by Dermot O’Leary.