Excited laughter turned to hideous despair yesterday, as Britain’s largest outdoor Utensil Consortium ended in the tragic deaths of three adults.
The event, held every 20 minutes for the past three years just outside the Mendips village of Compton Bishop, had drawn an estimated crowd of nine souls, all anxious to experience firsthand the range of utensils on offer. However, the proceedings were dampened as disaster struck in the second category: Kitchen Utensils (non-sharps).
Gregory Handjob, 43 and of Lower Dutton, is reported to have been watching a ladle demonstration when the tragedy befell, his head crushed to nothing in an enormous pestle and mortar. In the ensuing confusion two female friends, Doris Rundle, 23, and Julie Bloker, 30, were impaled on isolated spatulas.
No witnesses could shed any light on how the accidents happened.
Consortium organiser Samuel Buckle issued the following statement: “We are deeply saddened by the terrible events of this yesterday. A full investigation will be carried out by the organisers to ensure that this cannot happen again and that the consortium can continue, allowing future visitors to safely enjoy the incredible range of utensils on offer at wholesale bargain prices.”
A press release drafted by local police stated that “it has been confirmed that three cases of death had occurred at the Compton Bishop Utensil Consortium, and that three rogue utensils were reported as being the perpetrators. Those utensils are currently being questioned by police, with secret results.”
“It is a dreadful surprise to me personally, as a wife,” said a composed Mrs Handjob, spouse of one the deceased, “but it would be wrong to blame the utensils. Gregory loved utensils and loved the CBUC, and that’s how we should try remember him: as a man who died loving utensils.”
Mr Buckle did smile as he added: “Although these deaths are a tragic blot on the faultless record of the CBUC, we would hasten to remind any utensil fan that this remains the safest Utensil Consortium in the British Isles. In the grander scheme of things, life, three deaths should be considered ultimately trifling.”
The Utensil Consortium will be returning to Compton Bishop on Saturday with a special selection of chopping boards and the nationally renowned Mobile Whisk Gallery.
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