A newspaper survey examining the meaninglessness of newspaper surveys is to be published in tomorrow’s Guardian.
The survey, researched by grown men with tiny intellects and spanning 95,000 pages of nonsensical data, demonstrates the worthless quality of everything discovered by newspaper polls and the reams of numbers and percentages printed within their pages.
The findings themselves are entirely lacking in clarity and objectivity, maintaining that 30 per cent in 21 men are an age, while 45 per cent haven’t got a 4 per cent consideration of the proverbial section of the hasty pie chart.
Over 800 of the published graphs fail to express a single point, and at least 300 have no axes.
“It’s really a case of three to 24,” said one idiot. “60 per cent and gobsmelt.”
Friday, April 16, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
cup of tea in legal battle
A nice cup of tea turned out to be anything but, after it aggressively turned on thick pensioner Edith Foreskin, Norwich Magistrates Court heard yesterday.
A distraught Mrs Foreskin, an avid tea drinker for nearly 70 years, usually just with milk, told the court that she had been preparing her midmorning cuppa when – after administering the milk to the hot black tea within her favourite mug – a warning was growled from the centre of the drink.
“It said ‘don’t you dare’,” she sobbed from behind a well-used handkerchief.
An artists representation of the cup of tea as it appeared in court.
After dismissing the voice as a breakdown of her own mental faculties Mrs Foreskin proceeded to raise the mug to her lips for a refreshing sip. “But it spoke again, demanding that I put it down instantly, before throwing much of its own contents across my mouth and face, which was badly burnt.”
The tea, made with a PG Tips pyramid bag and now cold, sat quietly in the dock without comment. A spokesman for PG, the once exploitative tea company, assured customers that it was not a fault with the tea and that the case should be ignored. A leading US hot drinks expert has posited an alternative theory, but no one knows what it is.
The case grinds on.
A distraught Mrs Foreskin, an avid tea drinker for nearly 70 years, usually just with milk, told the court that she had been preparing her midmorning cuppa when – after administering the milk to the hot black tea within her favourite mug – a warning was growled from the centre of the drink.
“It said ‘don’t you dare’,” she sobbed from behind a well-used handkerchief.
An artists representation of the cup of tea as it appeared in court.
After dismissing the voice as a breakdown of her own mental faculties Mrs Foreskin proceeded to raise the mug to her lips for a refreshing sip. “But it spoke again, demanding that I put it down instantly, before throwing much of its own contents across my mouth and face, which was badly burnt.”
The tea, made with a PG Tips pyramid bag and now cold, sat quietly in the dock without comment. A spokesman for PG, the once exploitative tea company, assured customers that it was not a fault with the tea and that the case should be ignored. A leading US hot drinks expert has posited an alternative theory, but no one knows what it is.
The case grinds on.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
hunt continues for missing house
Baffled police have added scores of disposable personnel to the already 100-strong team searching for a missing house in inner city Bristol.
The house, a three-storey detached, was reported missing last Tuesday after the owners returned from work to find an empty space where property once stood.
“I was looking forward to a night in front of the telly,” said a tearful Geoff Wimpe, homeowner, in a moving press conference, “but the house had just gone. No note, nothing. Gone.” Mr Wimpe, in the first of many public statements, begged the house to come back. “You have all my things inside you and we are such good friends. Please come back.” The statement was televised repeatedly on all the worst channels.
The Wimpe family have been reported as trying to make the best of things by imagining furniture. “We can only try to be normal,” says one of them.
The house, now facing charges of theft and aggravated assault, left only rubble in place of its walls as it pulled itself from the ground and slowly evaded capture. Investigations have been slow so far, with police claiming that average member of the public will not pay attention to a moving house.
Police have strengthened their search in the neighbouring towns as thorough looking around Bristol itself has only yielded embarrassing results.
“We have questioned hundreds of civilians and as many properties, but the only information we have received up until now has been lies,” reassured Chief Superintendant Christopher Bulkhead.
The house was last seen hurriedly turning the corner of Shit Street and is thought to be heading for the coast. It should be considered dangerous.
The house, a three-storey detached, was reported missing last Tuesday after the owners returned from work to find an empty space where property once stood.
“I was looking forward to a night in front of the telly,” said a tearful Geoff Wimpe, homeowner, in a moving press conference, “but the house had just gone. No note, nothing. Gone.” Mr Wimpe, in the first of many public statements, begged the house to come back. “You have all my things inside you and we are such good friends. Please come back.” The statement was televised repeatedly on all the worst channels.
The Wimpe family have been reported as trying to make the best of things by imagining furniture. “We can only try to be normal,” says one of them.
The house, now facing charges of theft and aggravated assault, left only rubble in place of its walls as it pulled itself from the ground and slowly evaded capture. Investigations have been slow so far, with police claiming that average member of the public will not pay attention to a moving house.
Police have strengthened their search in the neighbouring towns as thorough looking around Bristol itself has only yielded embarrassing results.
“We have questioned hundreds of civilians and as many properties, but the only information we have received up until now has been lies,” reassured Chief Superintendant Christopher Bulkhead.
The house was last seen hurriedly turning the corner of Shit Street and is thought to be heading for the coast. It should be considered dangerous.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
festive racism gets UK release
Controversy buggered the film world this weekend with the widespread release of legendary British director Percival Smallcock’s latest movie, “WHITE! Christmas”, described by Warner Brothers as “this spring’s must-see racist Christmas-based drama”.
The film, set in the Southern states of America in the weeks building up to Christmas and featuring almost no plot, sees growing unemployment, economic uncertainty and the recent election of President Barack Obama lead to a massive influx of racial tension. This culminates in a virulent rejuvenation of the Ku Klux Klan, who are attempting to purify the state of non-white inhabitants before the Christmas festival by means increasingly unpleasant. It contains several musical set pieces, all written and choreographed by Celine Dion.
Universally criticised, the film is one of many in a long late-period that has seen Smallcock dubbed “Britain’s worst director”.
Appearing on radio show Filmglans, Smallcock expressed little desire to talk about the film. “I would say that there is very little point to this film,” he wittered gravely. “It is a film largely without merit or worth of any kind, be it artistic or entertaining.”
The film has garnered huge criticism for casting a white actor as the black protagonist. Without makeup, the actor is said to ‘emphasize’ his race by use of what Smallcock describes as a “classic black American accent” and by “engaging in the common pursuits associated with the black class. Dancing and singing, casual drug use and so on.”
Smallcock vehemently dismisses accusations of racism, despite the inclusion of over two hundred highly graphic racially-motivated murders within the film, and the Klansmen’s musical finale, where the percussion is derived solely from the amplified sound of burning bodies and in which many critics have argued that Smallcock attempts to humanise the KKK, portraying them as a sort of troupe of light-hearted dancing pop balladeers, or something like the Osmond’s.
“It is a nauseatingly memorable scene,” blurted film writer Samuel Perthe, “Smallcock at his dreadful worst, where any boundary between a supposed thoughtful portrayal of racism and actual racism has been long-shattered. Smallcock has so little to say about the issues he raises that he might as well speak backwards, effectively swallowing his own words.”
Despite having no concern for the films ideology, Smallcock was himself critical of its aesthetic value. “I admit the film looks awful,” he said. “Shot for shot, it looks awful. The tracking shots: awful. The close ups: awful. The steadicam work is really awful.”
Smallcock is currently working on his own five volume autobiography, “Life with Smallcock”, but has said that he will return to film in 2012, for a specially commissioned Olympic movie called “Tossing Off”, based on an original script about the variety of international homosexual intercourse occurring within the perimeter of the discus throw landing zone.
The film, set in the Southern states of America in the weeks building up to Christmas and featuring almost no plot, sees growing unemployment, economic uncertainty and the recent election of President Barack Obama lead to a massive influx of racial tension. This culminates in a virulent rejuvenation of the Ku Klux Klan, who are attempting to purify the state of non-white inhabitants before the Christmas festival by means increasingly unpleasant. It contains several musical set pieces, all written and choreographed by Celine Dion.
Universally criticised, the film is one of many in a long late-period that has seen Smallcock dubbed “Britain’s worst director”.
Appearing on radio show Filmglans, Smallcock expressed little desire to talk about the film. “I would say that there is very little point to this film,” he wittered gravely. “It is a film largely without merit or worth of any kind, be it artistic or entertaining.”
The film has garnered huge criticism for casting a white actor as the black protagonist. Without makeup, the actor is said to ‘emphasize’ his race by use of what Smallcock describes as a “classic black American accent” and by “engaging in the common pursuits associated with the black class. Dancing and singing, casual drug use and so on.”
Smallcock vehemently dismisses accusations of racism, despite the inclusion of over two hundred highly graphic racially-motivated murders within the film, and the Klansmen’s musical finale, where the percussion is derived solely from the amplified sound of burning bodies and in which many critics have argued that Smallcock attempts to humanise the KKK, portraying them as a sort of troupe of light-hearted dancing pop balladeers, or something like the Osmond’s.
“It is a nauseatingly memorable scene,” blurted film writer Samuel Perthe, “Smallcock at his dreadful worst, where any boundary between a supposed thoughtful portrayal of racism and actual racism has been long-shattered. Smallcock has so little to say about the issues he raises that he might as well speak backwards, effectively swallowing his own words.”
Despite having no concern for the films ideology, Smallcock was himself critical of its aesthetic value. “I admit the film looks awful,” he said. “Shot for shot, it looks awful. The tracking shots: awful. The close ups: awful. The steadicam work is really awful.”
Smallcock is currently working on his own five volume autobiography, “Life with Smallcock”, but has said that he will return to film in 2012, for a specially commissioned Olympic movie called “Tossing Off”, based on an original script about the variety of international homosexual intercourse occurring within the perimeter of the discus throw landing zone.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
ancient credit card displayed in british museum
A credit card believed to have belonged to our human ancestors as far back as the mid 1980s goes on exhibition in the British Museum next week.
The credit card, a “Mastercard”, adds further credence to a growing body of evidence that suggests that there was, in fact, civilised financial life as long ago as 1985.
“This really is an historic find,” ejaculated Clive Beardford, an archaeologist who found the old credit card in an equally old wallet in his house in Gloucestershire. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. I have no idea how it got there but it is history. I have made history.”
An archaeologist proudly poses with his historical piece.
The card is expected to be the latest in a series of wildly popular historical exhibitions, displaying things as varied as VIDEOS – a primitive audio-visual home system – and pop music, and affording a genuine glimpse into the lives of generations prior to our own.
“It opens our eyes to England’s rich history and the way people used to live so long ago,” says curator Dan Pricker.
The card can be seen in the exhibition – called “Credit Card!” – in the British Museum from Monday to Friday, for a ticket price of £10,000.
The credit card, a “Mastercard”, adds further credence to a growing body of evidence that suggests that there was, in fact, civilised financial life as long ago as 1985.
“This really is an historic find,” ejaculated Clive Beardford, an archaeologist who found the old credit card in an equally old wallet in his house in Gloucestershire. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. I have no idea how it got there but it is history. I have made history.”
An archaeologist proudly poses with his historical piece.
The card is expected to be the latest in a series of wildly popular historical exhibitions, displaying things as varied as VIDEOS – a primitive audio-visual home system – and pop music, and affording a genuine glimpse into the lives of generations prior to our own.
“It opens our eyes to England’s rich history and the way people used to live so long ago,” says curator Dan Pricker.
The card can be seen in the exhibition – called “Credit Card!” – in the British Museum from Monday to Friday, for a ticket price of £10,000.
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