hunt continues for missing house

Baffled police have added scores of disposable personnel to the already 100-strong team searching for a missing house in inner city Bristol.

The house, a three-storey detached, was reported missing last Tuesday after the owners returned from work to find an empty space where property once stood.

“I was looking forward to a night in front of the telly,” said a tearful Geoff Wimpe, homeowner, in a moving press conference, “but the house had just gone. No note, nothing. Gone.” Mr Wimpe, in the first of many public statements, begged the house to come back. “You have all my things inside you and we are such good friends. Please come back.” The statement was televised repeatedly on all the worst channels.

The Wimpe family have been reported as trying to make the best of things by imagining furniture. “We can only try to be normal,” says one of them.

The house, now facing charges of theft and aggravated assault, left only rubble in place of its walls as it pulled itself from the ground and slowly evaded capture. Investigations have been slow so far, with police claiming that average member of the public will not pay attention to a moving house.

Police have strengthened their search in the neighbouring towns as thorough looking around Bristol itself has only yielded embarrassing results.

“We have questioned hundreds of civilians and as many properties, but the only information we have received up until now has been lies,” reassured Chief Superintendant Christopher Bulkhead.

The house was last seen hurriedly turning the corner of Shit Street and is thought to be heading for the coast. It should be considered dangerous.