meaningless figures scrutinized by meaningless

A newspaper survey examining the meaninglessness of newspaper surveys is to be published in tomorrow’s Guardian.

The survey, researched by grown men with tiny intellects and spanning 95,000 pages of nonsensical data, demonstrates the worthless quality of everything discovered by newspaper polls and the reams of numbers and percentages printed within their pages.

The findings themselves are entirely lacking in clarity and objectivity, maintaining that 30 per cent in 21 men are an age, while 45 per cent haven’t got a 4 per cent consideration of the proverbial section of the hasty pie chart.

Over 800 of the published graphs fail to express a single point, and at least 300 have no axes.

“It’s really a case of three to 24,” said one idiot. “60 per cent and gobsmelt.”