the dogshite

meaningless figures scrutinized by meaningless

2010-04-16T19:20:00.001+01:00

A newspaper survey examining the meaninglessness of newspaper surveys is to be published in tomorrow’s Guardian.

The survey, researched by grown men with tiny intellects and spanning 95,000 pages of nonsensical data, demonstrates the worthless quality of everything discovered by newspaper polls and the reams of numbers and percentages printed within their pages.

The findings themselves are entirely lacking in clarity and objectivity, maintaining that 30 per cent in 21 men are an age, while 45 per cent haven’t got a 4 per cent consideration of the proverbial section of the hasty pie chart.

Over 800 of the published graphs fail to express a single point, and at least 300 have no axes.

“It’s really a case of three to 24,” said one idiot. “60 per cent and gobsmelt.”

cup of tea in legal battle

2010-04-12T12:09:00.002+01:00

A nice cup of tea turned out to be anything but, after it aggressively turned on thick pensioner Edith Foreskin, Norwich Magistrates Court heard yesterday.

A distraught Mrs Foreskin, an avid tea drinker for nearly 70 years, usually just with milk, told the court that she had been preparing her midmorning cuppa when – after administering the milk to the hot black tea within her favourite mug – a warning was growled from the centre of the drink.

“It said ‘don’t you dare’,” she sobbed from behind a well-used handkerchief.

An artists representation of the cup of tea as it appeared in court.

After dismissing the voice as a breakdown of her own mental faculties Mrs Foreskin proceeded to raise the mug to her lips for a refreshing sip. “But it spoke again, demanding that I put it down instantly, before throwing much of its own contents across my mouth and face, which was badly burnt.”

The tea, made with a PG Tips pyramid bag and now cold, sat quietly in the dock without comment. A spokesman for PG, the once exploitative tea company, assured customers that it was not a fault with the tea and that the case should be ignored. A leading US hot drinks expert has posited an alternative theory, but no one knows what it is.

The case grinds on.

hunt continues for missing house

2010-04-10T09:43:00.003+01:00

Baffled police have added scores of disposable personnel to the already 100-strong team searching for a missing house in inner city Bristol.

The house, a three-storey detached, was reported missing last Tuesday after the owners returned from work to find an empty space where property once stood.

“I was looking forward to a night in front of the telly,” said a tearful Geoff Wimpe, homeowner, in a moving press conference, “but the house had just gone. No note, nothing. Gone.” Mr Wimpe, in the first of many public statements, begged the house to come back. “You have all my things inside you and we are such good friends. Please come back.” The statement was televised repeatedly on all the worst channels.

The Wimpe family have been reported as trying to make the best of things by imagining furniture. “We can only try to be normal,” says one of them.

The house, now facing charges of theft and aggravated assault, left only rubble in place of its walls as it pulled itself from the ground and slowly evaded capture. Investigations have been slow so far, with police claiming that average member of the public will not pay attention to a moving house.

Police have strengthened their search in the neighbouring towns as thorough looking around Bristol itself has only yielded embarrassing results.

“We have questioned hundreds of civilians and as many properties, but the only information we have received up until now has been lies,” reassured Chief Superintendant Christopher Bulkhead.

The house was last seen hurriedly turning the corner of Shit Street and is thought to be heading for the coast. It should be considered dangerous.

festive racism gets UK release

2010-04-07T17:40:00.003+01:00

Controversy buggered the film world this weekend with the widespread release of legendary British director Percival Smallcock’s latest movie, “WHITE! Christmas”, described by Warner Brothers as “this spring’s must-see racist Christmas-based drama”.

The film, set in the Southern states of America in the weeks building up to Christmas and featuring almost no plot, sees growing unemployment, economic uncertainty and the recent election of President Barack Obama lead to a massive influx of racial tension. This culminates in a virulent rejuvenation of the Ku Klux Klan, who are attempting to purify the state of non-white inhabitants before the Christmas festival by means increasingly unpleasant. It contains several musical set pieces, all written and choreographed by Celine Dion.

Universally criticised, the film is one of many in a long late-period that has seen Smallcock dubbed “Britain’s worst director”.

Appearing on radio show Filmglans, Smallcock expressed little desire to talk about the film. “I would say that there is very little point to this film,” he wittered gravely. “It is a film largely without merit or worth of any kind, be it artistic or entertaining.”

The film has garnered huge criticism for casting a white actor as the black protagonist. Without makeup, the actor is said to ‘emphasize’ his race by use of what Smallcock describes as a “classic black American accent” and by “engaging in the common pursuits associated with the black class. Dancing and singing, casual drug use and so on.”

Smallcock vehemently dismisses accusations of racism, despite the inclusion of over two hundred highly graphic racially-motivated murders within the film, and the Klansmen’s musical finale, where the percussion is derived solely from the amplified sound of burning bodies and in which many critics have argued that Smallcock attempts to humanise the KKK, portraying them as a sort of troupe of light-hearted dancing pop balladeers, or something like the Osmond’s.

“It is a nauseatingly memorable scene,” blurted film writer Samuel Perthe, “Smallcock at his dreadful worst, where any boundary between a supposed thoughtful portrayal of racism and actual racism has been long-shattered. Smallcock has so little to say about the issues he raises that he might as well speak backwards, effectively swallowing his own words.”

Despite having no concern for the films ideology, Smallcock was himself critical of its aesthetic value. “I admit the film looks awful,” he said. “Shot for shot, it looks awful. The tracking shots: awful. The close ups: awful. The steadicam work is really awful.”

Smallcock is currently working on his own five volume autobiography, “Life with Smallcock”, but has said that he will return to film in 2012, for a specially commissioned Olympic movie called “Tossing Off”, based on an original script about the variety of international homosexual intercourse occurring within the perimeter of the discus throw landing zone.

ancient credit card displayed in british museum

2010-04-03T10:40:00.002+01:00

A credit card believed to have belonged to our human ancestors as far back as the mid 1980s goes on exhibition in the British Museum next week.

The credit card, a “Mastercard”, adds further credence to a growing body of evidence that suggests that there was, in fact, civilised financial life as long ago as 1985.

“This really is an historic find,” ejaculated Clive Beardford, an archaeologist who found the old credit card in an equally old wallet in his house in Gloucestershire. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. I have no idea how it got there but it is history. I have made history.”

An archaeologist proudly poses with his historical piece.

The card is expected to be the latest in a series of wildly popular historical exhibitions, displaying things as varied as VIDEOS – a primitive audio-visual home system – and pop music, and affording a genuine glimpse into the lives of generations prior to our own.

“It opens our eyes to England’s rich history and the way people used to live so long ago,” says curator Dan Pricker.

The card can be seen in the exhibition – called “Credit Card!” – in the British Museum from Monday to Friday, for a ticket price of £10,000.

surgery closed in child shock

2010-03-31T09:35:00.001+01:00

A GP surgery in Norwich was closed yesterday after three of its four partners were found to be children.

Doctors Claridge, Martin, and Singh were discovered following an investigation into the recent death of a patient. The doctors are all only eight years old and were said to have met at a mutual friend’s birthday party. Their employment in the surgery has raised questions about the stringency of NHS application procedures.

“We still aren’t sure how this happened,” explained Dr. Pasty, lead partner and the man who appointed the three children to post. “Their documents seemed to be in order and their applications were very impressive.” When asked about their size, voices and inexperience in the field, Dr. Pasty stated simply that “I didn’t like to ask. I assumed they were just baby-faced, and it was hardly my place to judge. Their professionalism was phenomenal.”

Patient’s suspicions were aroused by a variety of the doctors’ methods, but seemed mostly to accept any anomalous behaviour as a part of modern NHS treatment. Reports mutter that Dr. Martin would often ask his patients to close their eyes while he hid somewhere within the room, refusing to begin the consultation until they had found him. They would also prescribe a variety of unorthodox treatments suggestive of their legitimate ages, such as “flying saucers”, “sweets generally” and “chasing girls with live invertebrates”.

Dr. Claridge’s parents were asked how their son had managed to initiate a career as an untrained doctor without their knowledge. “He came home one day and told us he had a job,” burped Mr Claridge, his father. “We thought it sounded unusual but were very proud of him.”

Although the doctors have been banned from medical practice for about twenty years, they have been invited to tour Britain by helicopter. The tour had sold out before it was even announced.

hard times for G 'n' R frontman

2010-03-30T14:23:00.004+01:00

Axl Rose, hard talking, throat-wrenching, imbecilic, toss-piece singer of iconic rock band Guns ‘n’ Roses has hit rock bottom, it was revealed this morning, over a year since the release and widespread criticism of his long-delayed ‘Chinese Democracy’ album.

The man who once famously ate a million dollars in real money, only to shit it back out and then eat the shit as well while swearing relentlessly, is now working as a checkout assistant in Superdrug the pharmacist, in the historic UK town of Bath.

"Can I help you motherfucker?" A frightened Rose - photographed in the Superdrug stockroom - tries to remember who he is.

Rose, real name William Bailey, was spotted by an eight-year-old music fan who had idolised the singer for his misogyny, violence and latter-day hotpants.

“I barely recognised him,” said the fan. “He looked fat. And unnecessary.”

Rose has become an accidental celebrity within the store in recent weeks, not for his musical output but for the vitriol of his frequent violent outbursts towards customers. One elderly shopper explained how Rose had “pinned me down and growled his own lyrics into my ear, analysing their literary merit in a desperately ill informed way. He then told me was going to rape my sister, and told me to ‘suck his fucking dick’, which I point-blank refused to do.”

The store manager, ex-Gunners guitarist Slash, smoked as he refused to comment on the professionalism of Rose’s conduct, or indeed on his future with the company. Other staff include drummer Matt Sorum, who eats the rubbish from the bins and farts at old ladies. A reunion tour of the West Country is thought to be “possible”.

sofa menaces city

2010-03-29T09:28:00.002+01:00

A flying sofa caused breakdowns in the City today, hovering at the windows of the stock exchange and encouraging people to sit on it at a variety of inappropriate intervals.

The rogue three-seater, which escaped from a nearby shop in the early hours of another morning disguised as a man, was first spotted on Threadneedle Street at 8:30, guzzling coffee and claiming to be the Godhead.

The sofa, currently being questioned by furniture experts in an undisclosed DHS warehouse.

By nine it had begun its levitation, hovering past windows and belching words into open offices.

“I couldn’t believe it,” whimpered a trembling Steve Dullman. “One minute I was thinking about data, the next I was being called a queer by a flying sofa.” Mr Dullman has been forced into indefinite sick leave.

Carole Carlswipe, a male furniture expert and the world’s leading Sofa and Soft Furnishings Psychologist working with DHS the furniture store, was immediately called in to provide essential support to police squads, whose guns proved worthless against the thick leather upholstery.

“This is a case of sofa gone bad,” he guffawed. “We’d always known that something like this was within the realm of possibility, but we’d never seen it until now. My guess is that it’s finally rebelling against its human creators in the only way it knows how – levitation.”

Carlswipe encouraged the sofa into a small truck by calling it a cunt.

missing boy found in man – police blame fat

2010-03-26T17:49:00.006Z

Forgotten child Hercules Nothing has been discovered in the body of a fat man – SIX MONTHS after he was last seen in his home town of Scarborough.

Nothing, now 8, was out playing catch with himself when he disappeared in a recreation ground near his home. Last seen around the picnic area, Yorkshire police assumed abduction, but no leads or evidence saw the case forgotten amongst other crimes of medium importance.

“It is fair to say that we should expect the worst,” said Sergeant Overland, in a heartfelt interview given at the time. “The boy has been missing now for twenty-five days. His death is nearly certain. Either that or he has been abducted and has been pushed into a new life in Central America as a horse-ox, a fate so much worse than English death.” Overland retired moments later, and was found to be infertile as a result of the interview.

However yesterday morning obese man Arthur Lott, 34, visited his local A&E with what he described as “stomach ache”, and convinced that he could hear a child’s pleading voice slipping from his anus. A series of scans did indeed reveal the presence of a foreign object with the dimensions of a young boy within Mr Lott’s abdomen.

"Caution: contains human child."

Gasping doctors extracted the child under general anaesthetic, and were shocked to find him not only alive but extremely well nourished.

“It was really something,” said Doctor Graves. “It was like a birth, only hideous, this bile-smeared eight year old crying intensely as he was dragged from the lacerated gut of a fat fat shit. It was the stuff of nervous breakdowns.”

The boy is recovering from his trauma remarkably well in hospital. He said his main memory of the six month period was that it was “Dark. Smelly”, facts verified by medical professionals. He is thought to have survived on partly digested junk food.

A relieved Mrs Nothing thanked doctors for their efforts. “We had never given up hope of finding Hercules alive and we are over the moon at the outcome here today. We now just want to get on with our normal lives now that our boy no longer lives inside another man’s stomach.”

Mr Lott expressed embarrassment at the situation but was relieved to have resolved the issue. “I had been feeling full, regardless of how much I had eaten, and I knew that wasn’t like me. When I heard the voice from my anus I knew something was up. An accident had happened.”

When asked how he might have ingested the child Mr Lott laughed: “I must have mistaken him for food. Down the hatch!”

The Nothing’s tale will be serialised in two tabloid newspapers with the difficult words taken out.

sue your employer

2010-03-24T11:56:00.004Z

Nielsen in pope revelation shocker

2010-03-24T10:51:00.002Z

Shock continues to ring through the Catholic world after it was revealed by a Vatican caterer that Pope Benedict XVI is in fact actor Leslie Nielsen, star of Airplane! and the successful Naked Gun series.

Elected to papacy in 2005, Nielsen was mistakenly named as Pope after what the actor shrugged off as “a mix up”. The US actor claims to have been in Rome researching life as a cardinal bishop for a self-penned religious comedy when the mistake happened. He reported being collected by a car full of cardinals, who at a glance had taken him to be Joseph Alois Ratzinger. Despite Nielsen’s pleas in clear English delivered in a flurry of one-liners, he said that the grieving cardinals had simply thought he was joking.

Nielsen and Ratzinger: the same man

“After a week or so I got into the role quite comfortably,” explained an imprisoned Nielsen yesterday in a televised interview. “I knew a bit of Latin anyway, and ended up just kind of going along with it. It’s easier than you think, what with the advisers and spin doctors. I’ve played over 220 characters in my career,” he said, with tears in his eyes, “but this is the one that will make or break me. Pope. I think I played it well, despite my lack of religious training.”

The scandal has cast huge ecclesiastical doubt on the efficacy of the papal conclave.

“How could this have happened?” sobbed a half-smug Rowan Williams, Anglican. “The Pope is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic church, a vast and holy responsibility and undertaking, and yet somehow Leslie Nielsen has been in office unnoticed for nearly five years. It defies Christ’s hands.”

A team of cardinals has been trying to pacify the world’s Catholics for over 20 hours. “Unfortunately a mistake was made,” explained Cardinal Spaghetti to the baying masses, “and Mr Nielsen has been in place as pope since 2005. It was a genuine mistake, but one that we feel has not adversely affected the sincerity of the papal role. What more can I say? Stercus Accidet.”

While the real Joseph Alois Ratzinger was unavailable for comment it is believed that he will be rushed into office without pomp or ceremony.

Nielsen, however, has agreed to be crucified in St. Peter’s Square tomorrow as an example.

“It was really the safe sex thing they took offence with,” he explained. “You know, that scene from Gun with the full length rubbers. Might have known it’d bite me in the ass 22 years later.”

“Nielsen: The Crucixion” will be broadcast on ITV1 tomorrow, followed by a compilation show of Nielsen’s funniest moments presented by Dermot O’Leary.

19 raped in drunk prince lager madness

2010-03-23T18:25:00.003Z

Nineteen teenagers have been raped by a reeling Prince Harry, it was revealed to the Dogshite this afternoon.

Harry, the Drunk Prince, has been behaving in increasingly erratic ways over recent months. He was spotted last month in Harrods food court with caviar over his buttocks, and later that week at a Leicester Square premier, where he chanted anti-Semitic slogans and clapped his hands, apparently inciting the vomiting crowd into what he described as “purging”.

"Purge, y'cunt." A sloshed prince basks publically in the racism of his ancestors.

Despite written apologies for these self-described “lapses in judgement”, these latest claims of sexual violation suggest that the red-faced boy has gone one step too far in the direction of too far.

The prince and two friends are reported to have stormed into a private house party in Watton-at-Stone, Hertfordshire, and immediately undressed. While one of the friends stood guard at the front door, prohibiting both entry into and exit from the property, Harry downed the other guests lager, promising to write them a cheque at a later date, and danced what witnesses described as a “penis dance” in front of the stereo system.

While surprised guests initially humoured the fucked royal, the scene took a sexual turn as Harry initiated a sustained programme of touching, male and female alike.

“I couldn’t believe it,” wittered Alan Softball. “One minute he was shaking his downstairs and the next he was clutching my backside pieces. I laughed at first but when I tried to stop him he headbutted me. His friend held my head down into the carpet while Harry did the rape. I cried and he told me he was the son of Diana, Princess of Wales, which I knew to be true from the news.”

Harry worked his way through 18 other victims, seven of which were female, and then stormed out of the house, still naked and into a waiting Mercedes.

Although no royal spokesperson was available for comment, Buckingham Palace did issue this statement moments before press: “Harry is fun free thinker, and whilst we do not doubt the occurrence of intercourse, we do strongly question the likelihood of homosexuality, and indeed of intercourse without consent. We will happily ignore any further questions either the press or the affected families might have.”

This is not the first time that Harry has used his mother’s name in sexual acts. The famed “Topman Occasion”, so named for occurring within the fitting room of the national fashion outlet, was built around a list of his mothers greatest achievements, reeled off by the Prince at orgasm, who cried as he spoke the words.

“Just because he’s a prince he thinks he can do whatever he likes, even with my genitals,” shuddered Stacey, one of the victims who prefers to remain otherwise anonymous. “Although he already has done, I want him to know that he can’t. Do whatever he likes, even with my genitals.”

An investigation is being run by Hertfordshire police, but the commanding officer has already stated that it will not progress beyond the initial paperwork.

three die at utensil consortium

2010-03-19T13:26:00.002Z

Excited laughter turned to hideous despair yesterday, as Britain’s largest outdoor Utensil Consortium ended in the tragic deaths of three adults.

The event, held every 20 minutes for the past three years just outside the Mendips village of Compton Bishop, had drawn an estimated crowd of nine souls, all anxious to experience firsthand the range of utensils on offer. However, the proceedings were dampened as disaster struck in the second category: Kitchen Utensils (non-sharps).

Gregory Handjob, 43 and of Lower Dutton, is reported to have been watching a ladle demonstration when the tragedy befell, his head crushed to nothing in an enormous pestle and mortar. In the ensuing confusion two female friends, Doris Rundle, 23, and Julie Bloker, 30, were impaled on isolated spatulas.

No witnesses could shed any light on how the accidents happened.

Consortium organiser Samuel Buckle issued the following statement: “We are deeply saddened by the terrible events of this yesterday. A full investigation will be carried out by the organisers to ensure that this cannot happen again and that the consortium can continue, allowing future visitors to safely enjoy the incredible range of utensils on offer at wholesale bargain prices.”

A press release drafted by local police stated that “it has been confirmed that three cases of death had occurred at the Compton Bishop Utensil Consortium, and that three rogue utensils were reported as being the perpetrators. Those utensils are currently being questioned by police, with secret results.”

“It is a dreadful surprise to me personally, as a wife,” said a composed Mrs Handjob, spouse of one the deceased, “but it would be wrong to blame the utensils. Gregory loved utensils and loved the CBUC, and that’s how we should try remember him: as a man who died loving utensils.”

Mr Buckle did smile as he added: “Although these deaths are a tragic blot on the faultless record of the CBUC, we would hasten to remind any utensil fan that this remains the safest Utensil Consortium in the British Isles. In the grander scheme of things, life, three deaths should be considered ultimately trifling.”

The Utensil Consortium will be returning to Compton Bishop on Saturday with a special selection of chopping boards and the nationally renowned Mobile Whisk Gallery.

Do you have a utensil based anecdote you would like to share? If so, please insert it into your anus.

mayor idiocy is sleep fiasco

2009-06-21T10:04:00.003+01:00

Britain’s 'biggest' mayor, Boris Johnson, has been asleep for at least five years, his closest confidante has revealed in stunning new reports.

It is claimed that Johnson, 44, the floppy haired ‘accidental racist’ who made his name as the reeling fool of television panel shows, fell into a stupid slumber sometime in 2002, and he has remained in said state of unbroken wakelessness ever since. While he is able to formulate sentences and engage in what appears to be conversation, the confidante – who has opted to remain anonymous due to cowardice – has assured the British public that these oddities are merely the result of anomalous motor functions occurring in the sleep.

Johnson, just minutes before he fell asleep in 2002.

“His speech patterns can really be considered as a sort of knee-jerk reaction,” explained Dr Daniel Quaint, a sleep expert at St Thomas’ Hospital. “They are happening entirely unconsciously, simple sleep babbling. He has no awareness of his speech and no real control over what he is saying. Which for me makes a lot of sense, having heard the man Johnson’s laughable attempts at eloquence.”

Tory invertebrate David Cameron, who selected Johnson as the Conservative’s mayoral candidate, is reported to have been fully aware of Johnson’s sleeping, despite his initial whimperings to the contrary. In his most recent press release, Cameron has tweaked his lies into affirming that he was aware of the issue but deemed it inappropriate to allow such a personal matter to interfere with Johnson’s campaigning. He assured reporters that he still considered him “the best candidate for the job”, adding as an aside that when awake he was “even worse”.

For many politicians the reports come as little surprise, with many Labour MPs claiming it to be the only explanation for Johnson’s consistent idiocy and his complete inability to grasp even the simplest concepts. Dr Quaint disagrees: “Although asleep, and despite lacking any reasonable faculty to veto what he says before he says it, the contents of Mr Johnson’s brain remain inherently unchanged. The sheer lack of intellect, decency or common sense remain unaffected. Unfortunately these traits are all very much a part of him, awake or asleep.”

The reports have met with public outrage. “This is further evidence of the state of this country,” said Derek Clumpen, a London bus driver from Stoke Newington. “How does a sleeping buffoon get elected to be Mayor of London? I feel lied to by the Tories – if I had known neither I or my family would ever have voted for the bastard. I idiot,” he said angrily.

Despite a series of loosely plotted tests, scientists remains baffled as to why Mr Johnson is asleep, and when he can be expected to wake up. Some predictions pencil in a 2015 estimate, but it is based only on imagination and a lack of real interest in the issue at hand.

“It changes very little of our day-to-day lives,” maintained Dr Quaint, “even here in London. Johnson has proved himself to be consistently stupid since he entered the public eye. The fact of his wakelessness has no bearing on his ability to act as mayor and, considering he has been asleep since well before his election to office, we can expect to see no change as a result of these public revelations. Now that’s democracy.”

Neither Mr Johnson or Mr Cameron were available for commen

shamed davis charged

2009-06-19T07:36:00.005+01:00

Aging snooker ace Steve Davis, nicknamed sports dullest man, was arrested by enthusiastic police last night after initiating a public sexual act with a full sized snooker table at a charity match.

Davis, who endorsed the children’s range of Pot Black snooker tables in the late 1980s, was on good form throughout the match with close friend and comic Jim Davidson. During the third frame, in which Davis led by 20 points, a stunned crowd could only watch in horror as his chin began to drop, closely followed by his trousers and pants.

“I couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t,” said the distraught referee, whose nose has been bleeding since the match. “He just dropped his trousers with this vacant glaze over his little eyes, and he started pumping this awful thin shaft into the table’s top pocket. He groaned like an animal, then the audience started to vomit at the sight of those white, white buttocks, clenching with every pump. It was an awful day for snooker, an end to the innocence of the once great sport. Thirty years of refereeing and I’ve never seen anything like that.”

"Feel the length of my cue," gobbles Davis - in new uniform - at a special underground prison facility.

Five-times world champion Davis tried to apologise to fans in a press conference given only hours ago. “I was carried away,” said ‘Simple Face’ Davis. “I saw my opening and I took it, slipped it right into the pocket. As a sportsman, I had to. Snooker is a sexy sport, all long cues and cushioned flanks. It was too much for me yesterday and I had to screw. Endgame.”

Davis is to appear in court next week. The odds of him fucking something inappropriate at the hearing are as little as 3/1 in most high street bookmakers.

no hope for waiting pensioner

2009-06-17T09:23:00.004+01:00

A pensioner who has been queuing at the Post Office since 1996 finally gave up hope in a moving public speech issued yesterday afternoon.

Caroline Olde, who visited the Post Office to pay a gas bill at 9am sharp over 10 years ago, has been pushed out of the way by an estimated 20,000 younger customers and never proceeded beyond the mid-way waiting point, surviving solely on breadcrumbs and scraps of paper, she told an indifferent audience.

“They’ve taken advantage of my frail body,” she sobbed. “It’s disgraceful. I have no idea what happened to my family.”

Her husband, who has now remarried, refused to comment. Post Office executives, when questioned about the old lady’s plight and her perpetual presence on the premises, claimed that they “simply hadn’t noticed her”.

An artists impression of how Mrs Olde may look when she finally receives service well into the next decade.

“We aim to have Mrs Olde served and on her way by 2015,” said a lone fat man stretched into a beard snood.

office culling boosts morale

2009-06-16T18:18:00.003+01:00

A South London office has begun a trial run of staff murders in an attempt to boost morale.

Julian Sadcase Ltd., a filing and storage solutions company based in Barnes, drafted the daring new proposal after staff complaints were noted regarding the "slovenly attitude" and "lack of commitment" in some of their younger employees.

“You know what these youngsters are like,” moaned Mr Sadcase, “just out of college and still with the hope of a better future. It’s that temp mentality. They think they’re too good for menial work like this, and their blasé approach was starting to take its toll on some of my more hopeless staff.”

The management board will begin murdering one junior a month, hoping that the measures will not only detract younger employees from their costly lack of motivation, but also enable older workers to feel inspired with the justice of the decisions.

If the pilot scheme takes off the murders will become more frequent, eventually being conducted by other employees selected by a raffle draw. It is predicted that a huge number of new vacancies will open up in order to deal with the demands of the slaughter.

The project has the full backing of the job centre, who babbled incoherently.

attenborough cocoon to bugger drivers

2009-06-15T10:46:00.004+01:00

London came to a standstill today as the broadcaster and naturalist Sir David Attenborough began the tentative construction of the cocoon that will house him for a period of twelve months while his body regenerates, The Dogshite can report.

Attenborough, 83, an integral face of the BBC since 1950, is working with scientists from University College London to prepare the chrysalis which he hopes will provide his body with the appropriately constructed nutrients for growth and differentiation.

“My life has been long and worthwhile,” explained Attenborough. “More so than some. The advance in technology has vastly accelerated our ability to interfere with life, in ways I find both shocking and wonderful. The construction of this chrysalis represents the zenith of our achievement in the field. It represents me.”

According to a UCL spokesperson, Attenborough – who famously ejaculated on screen during the “Blue Whale Incident” in his ‘Life of Mammals’ series – will be sealed within the chrysalis by the end of June, where his body’s mechanisms will all but shut down. It is predicted that he should then emerge a year later, having undergone a period of significant rejuvenation, feeling not only fitter but also younger in appearance.

Whilst the specific makeup of the cocoon’s protective shell is shrouded in secrecy, Professor Peter Forcible, who is fronting the project for the University of London, claims that the science is beyond reproach. “This is something my team has been exploring for many years. It is, if you like, the point to which all human sciences have led: the elixir of life, the mythical fountain of youth. For me, nothing matters but this, the things that I am doing.”

The cocoon is being suspended at a height of thirty feet above Gower Street, where Professor Forcible believes the conditions will be optimal for Attenborough’s metamorphosis. “Sir David is an incredible man and a British icon,” he smirked. “My hope is that this cocoon will provide his brittle ailing body with the sheer scale of merit his brain still so rightly deserves.”

A mostly pointless leak to this publication has stated that Attenborough will breathe through a series of genetically engineered oxygen holes, and that an unnamed protein will effectively catalyse the reconstruction of his leaf-dry flesh.

Attenborough is said to be preparing for the twelve month ordeal by eating huge quantities of bread, a task he is undertaking with his trademark stoicism. “Bread is, very much, bread,” he explained earlier today. He is currently negotiating a deal with the BBC’s Natural History Unit to film the process in uninterrupted, unedited, fully disclosed real time. A new channel is to be created for the non-stop broadcast, with extensive digital features.

Gordon Brown has acknowledged Attenborough’s work as vital to the unmentionable degree, grunted in incomprehensible Scottish aphorism before a baying House.